Changes…

It’s been a while. Life gets in the way – combined with fostering, working, my children, my eldest getting married, university, and trying to maintain the focus on our marriage, means sometimes stuff for “me” takes a back seat.

But, most of the above is also for “me”. I work so we can have a lifestyle we want – well, try to – we foster/host students because we have a big house and it’s pointless it being empty, plus we love the multi-cultural world it brings into our childrens lives. Uni is something I’m loving, despite it being blinking hard work – I’m nearly at the end of Y1 and I’ve signed up for Y2 already. The wedding was amazing, and all our hard work paid off. My husband and I have always tried to make time just for us, we have date nights, and we put our relationship first – we have seen far too many friends who put their relationship last and it suffers badly, usually terminally. We have “YAM” days, nights and weekends – YAM being You and Me.

Bloody hell I sound smug. I’m really not though. I’m struggling with te changes going on on the inside and the outside right now. Heading for 7 stones off in under 6 months, and thats huge. I’m still huge too, but I can’t pick up anything that weighs that much, yet I’ve spent 30+ years carrying it round.

Skin is an issue. A huge issue. I go from thinking “I cannot EVER be seen by ANYONE looking like this, including my husband” to thinking “f*ck it, it’s who I am and I’m bloody proud of myself” and I’ve bought a bikini to wear on holiday this year. Haha, as if THAT will have the tags taken off it!!!

But why, when I look in the mirror, do I 99% of the time see the size 24 me? Why do I still see myself as being morbidly obese? Why don’t I see the changes? We take photos and on those I see two different people when I put them side by side, but in everyday life I look no different to me.

I’m at the stage where people who haven’t seen me for a while walk past me, or look puzzled when I smile and say “hello”. Then there’s the shock, then the awkward stage where they make small talk and you can see they want to ask but don’t like to.  But, I’m me. Just me. No different on the inside – still grumpy, awkward, kind, caring, bit of a bitch, and gobby. Just me.

So, yunno, if you see me and I say hi, just say hi back to me. Don’t feel awkward, ASK me. I’ll happily tell you how I’ve lost weight – but woe betide you if you then decide to say it’s been the easy option. This is the HARDEST thing I’ve EVER done. I thought getting to the surgery date was the difficult bit, but it really isn’t. And no, I don’t care that I’ll never eat a normal meal again. I don’t care that I can’t eat bread/pasta. I don’t care that I’m needing new clothes every month.

I care that people treat me differently. They think I’ve changed on the inside. Or are they jealous? Or worried? Or pleased? I was told by a doctor friend, when he heard what I’ve had done, “that’s the best thing you could ever have done. You’ve added 20 years to your life”. That was rather a strange thought process to digest that…I’m heading for my half century in a couple of years, so if I’ve now added on 20-ish, was my life nearly over?

In all honesty, I’m just me. The me I’ve always been, only I’ll be around a lot longer now…

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